September 2010 was a roller coaster ride to say the least. Happy news = baby. Sad news = Huzb lost his job. Perfect timing, huh? We were down in the dumps, but the baby brought us such excitement.
We had our first visit to the doctor on September 17. All of my doctor fears and especially vag docs were thrown out the window. This was the first exciting visit to the doctor of my life.
The most amazing thing I had ever seen was this little, fast flickering of a heartbeat. It was magical. I didn't even faint like usual when they drew a few gallons of blood from me. All I could think about was this life inside of me.
Everything looked great. I just knew the doctor would find something wrong with me, but surprisingly I was healthy and baby was healthy.
I quit smoking as soon as Mr. Clearblue Easy told me I was pregnant. I gave up my caffeine. I swallowed my daily horse pills. I went off Ativan and onto a pregnancy-safe anxiety med before we conceived. Sacrifice after sacrifice.
And nothing mattered. Except for this little bean growing inside of me.
When they told us they were going to do an ultrasound, we were pumped. We couldn't wait to see our little bean again. Huzb said he wanted to buy an ultrasound machine just so he could see our little bean whenever he wanted.
The lights dimmed.
The magic television was turned on.
There was baby.
Baby was bigger.
Where's my little flicker?
Doctor's face was worried.
Huzb's face was confused.
Back and forth. Back and forth.
TV screen.
Doctor's face.
Huzb's face.
TV screen.
Doctor's face.
Huzb's face.
The doctor finally spoke.
"I'm so sorry. I can't find a heartbeat. I am so sorry."
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2 comments:
I am so sorry Alice! Unfortunately, I have had to see a few of my friends go through this and it doesn't seem fair. I'm sure you've heard this before, and it isn't comforting, but perhaps it was God's way of taking care of the baby who could have been unhealthy if he or she was born. My good friend had a terrible miscarriage, but she is carrying a healthy baby and is 4 months into her pregnancy. She couldn't be happier, and you will be the same! I will be thinking of you and praying for you! Sending you love!
Thank you so much for all of your kind words.
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